18 September 2011


I found out last week that there were over 100 applicants for the job I currently have.  I had no idea.  And I'm too dumbfounded to make any sense of the information.

I'd never imagined I could be competitive in the job market.  Ever.  I mean, I know I've had some opportunities that others haven't, but I don't necessarily connect those opportunities with being more competitive.  Especially in my current job.  I work with truly amazing people who inspire me; in no way am I on their level.  I kind of thought I was hired because I was easy and convenient.  It never crossed my mind that they might have actually wanted me.  I'm just a crazy kid barely keeping her shit together-- how did I end up being selected out of over 100 people for a job that tons of people in my profession wish they could have?

I partially know the answer: one of my friends told me some of the applicants were over qualified.  So that makes sense.  And others were perhaps under qualified or not a good fit.  *Maybe* that would narrow the applicant pool down to 50.  I also know one of my friends put in a good word for me when I applied.  I'm convinced that's what made the difference, though it's hard to believe I was chosen even with someone saying, "Hey, you should be sure to read my friend's application."  His words must be very powerful.  

And now I feel a bit of pressure, too.  I mean more pressure.  I want to do well.  I always have.  But now I also need to do well to prove I was a good choice out of those 50.  To uphold whatever kind things my friend said to convince my boss to read my resume.  To do justice to the other 49 or so people who really wanted to be here but aren't.

All of this makes me feel profoundly humbled.  This past year I've been learning some hard lessons about not getting what I want, so I was genuinely shocked when my friend told me I should apply for this internship, which seemed to be (and is) pretty much exactly what I wanted.  Nothing else had worked out, so why would this?  I was even more shocked when el Jefe offered me the job.  To think of the level of despair I was in before I knew about this job in comparison to now. . . . How could I have been chosen?

I've been going around so inwardly-focused and contrary I missed the opportunity to fully comprehend just how lucky I am to be here.  I remember something I posted a few years ago when I was in Egypt when I was kind of in an opposite state: I was completely happy and fully aware of my fortunes.  I'm so ashamed that here I am now, just as fortunate-- if not more fortunate-- and I haven't taken the time to fully appreciate my circumstances.  I've been taking everything for granted.  I'm ugly, spoiled.  How could so many truly wonderful people have gone out of their way to help me?  How can I ever repay you all?  I don't even know where to begin.

Maybe I should begin by asking your forgiveness.  You have all given me these opportunities, and I haven't been even remotely as appreciative as I ought to be.  I'm sorry.  Please forgive me.  I promise to try to do better in the future.  Because really, I am grateful to be here; and I'm constantly aware that I didn't get here alone.  You have made all the difference in the world to me, and I thank you for that.

No comments:

Post a Comment